


SEEING IS BELIEVING.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-01
Updated: 2012-02-01
Packaged: 2017-10-30 11:19:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/331198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a sequel to "In the Still of the Night". It would be helpful to read that first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Jack deals with the death of his brother.  
> {Please note this work contains sections without punctuation. This is intentional.}

I've been out again. I've been out getting fucked, basically. It takes my mind off other things, like my brother being dead, for example. Like seeing him lying dead on a mortuary slab and being too late to even try to do anything about it. So I go out. I go out late at night and let whatever happens happen. Since Arliss died I've been attacked and beaten up six times, I've been run down by two cars and killed each time and run down another time and broken both legs, and I've gotten fucked twelve times. It certainly takes my mind off Arliss. It takes my mind off everything.

When I go in the Hub I expect it to be empty as usual, but this time it isn't. Ianto is still here. When I left, some five hours ago, he said he was about to go home but he's still here. I'm not in a fit state to have a conversation with anyone. The guy who hit on me was big and rough and I'm tired and aching.

"You're back, good" says Ianto as soon as he spots me. Since my very presence makes it obvious I'm back I don't say anything. I ignore Ianto and go down to my quarters. I need a shower. I need a shower urgently. Ianto follows me downstairs. He looks worried. This is not good. I don't want him fussing about me. I just want to be left alone to be miserable in peace. I meant to keep my promise to Arliss to live and love in his memory, and to believe he will never be far away from me, just one step around the corner out of sight, but I can't seem to do it. I miss him and I want to die to be with him, but I can't. This fucking immortality of mine. I am so tired of it. I've already lived so long and seen so much. I just wish I could forget. I did for a while after Arliss died. I was really ill and I forgot everything. However, I came back and I can't go into the dark place I was in then anymore.

"I'm fine" I tell Ianto "you can go home now."

"It's not worth it" he says "it's gone six. I may as well start work again."

"You don't have to watch me. I won't kill myself. I can't die remember" I moan at him.

"I'm worried about you." I know he is worried. I wish he wasn't.

"I'll be fine. If you're not going home you can go and make some strong coffee while I take a shower."

"Talk to me, Jack. I want you to talk to me. Tell me how you feel. I know you're not fine. We all know you're not fine. We're not idiots. It's obvious. Where have you been tonight? You look terrible."

"I went and got laid. Now go away."

"With some total stranger?" he's shocked.

"Of course. I like strangers. We fuck. We part. Simple. No conversation. No angst. Just bang."

"So that's what you want, is it?" he asks, sounding suddenly mad as hell "to go out and have sex with some stranger. Well you don't have to do it with a stranger. There's us here. There's me."

"I'm not getting mixed up with anyone on my team. It's messy and unprofessional."

"It's professional then is it, going out at night and letting God knows what happen to you? That's professional is it?"

"Oh fuck off, Ianto. You sound like my Pa. Just fuck off and leave me alone."

"NO!" he shouts and then, to my immense surprise, he actually hits me. He hits me on the jaw and I'm already so tired and it's such a shock that I fall backward onto my bed. He flings himself on top of me and wraps his arms around me and kisses me. He is amazingly strong. Much stronger that I ever imagined he would be. He pushes my mouth open and I feel his tongue exploring and despite everything I start to respond. It's a duel for supremacy going on here, and Ianto is going to win because I haven't the heart for much fight and I'm exhausted and Ianto is as sexy as hell anyhow.

"I'm going to fuck you" he says after a moment "I want to. I've wanted to for ages and I'm sick of waiting." He sits up so he is actually straddling me, with his legs bent each side of my hips. He leans back and opens my pants and I don't try to stop him. He pulls at my coat and I sit up and help him to remove it, followed by my shirt and T. He parts my pants and bends low and presses his mouth over my cock. I'm wearing underpants. I always do when I go out on what I think of as my expeditions. He sucks my cock through my underpants. I feel the heat of his mouth coming to me through the material. I'm hard. I can't help it. He gets off me and stands up and strips naked. I sit up and remove my boots and socks. Then I stand up too and take off my pants and underpants. I accept the inevitable. Ianto is in control. I tell myself that I'm letting him be in control.

Ianto delves in one of his jacket pockets and produces a tube of Lube and a condom. I begin to see that he has planned this event in detail. He's been watching me closely for a while and getting more and more worried. He still doesn't really know what happened between me and my brother Arliss. He doesn't know that we had sex. He doesn't know that we loved each other. He doesn't know that I still feel guilty about the way we loved each other. He still doesn't know that Arliss got himself killed by a truck because he was out getting a wretched teddy bear for me to replace one he'd taken and lost when we were kids. He still doesn't know just how GUILTY that makes me feel. He doesn't know that I've always been attracted to him. There is so much he doesn't know. So much.

Ianto puts a towel on the bedsheets and when I lie down on my back he motions for me to roll over. I roll onto my front and bend my knees so my butt is in the air and I feel him rubbing lube around my hole and then I feel a finger start to explore me. I'm still open after the activities of earlier in the evening. He pushes three fingers and more lube into me. He finds my sweet spot and I cry out and my cock throbs and jerks. He sits up and I look back and he's dripping some lube into the tip of the condom and then he puts it on and rubs lube over that too. I like his cock. It's big too. Bigger than the guy from earlier on. He leans over me and I feel him pressing against me and then pushing inside. He groans and stays still for a moment and then pushes right in. He starts the familiar motions and I move with him. Despite everything it feels so good. He feels so good. I reach down and grab hold of my cock and move my hand in rhythm with our fucking. We're making those sounds. The fuck sounds. He moves faster and starts to loose his rhythm. I'm close and I feel myself swelling getting ready to come. My nose feels stuffed up and I'm breathing through my mouth and panting and my whole body is shaking. I'm coming and I feel it gathering and then rushing through my body and then I feel the rush at the very end of my cock and then I'm spurting and spurting and it feels so good and my muscles squeeze Ianto and I feel him shake as he comes. He pulls out of me and I watch him remove the condom and tie it off and throw it away.

He sits on the side of my bed and looks at me. He looks serious. "No more going out" he says to me firmly "if you want anything I'll give it to you. I'm here for you and if you want to talk I'm here too. I've said that before and I mean it. I wont be shocked. I'm surprisingly hard to shock you know. So remember that. I'm going to have a shower and make some coffee for us both. Have a shower, Jack. You need one."

He goes out and I lie on the bed sticky with my own come. Ianto is a constant surprise to me. I remember how mad I was that he'd hidden Lisa for so long. I never suspected that he was capable of such subterfuge. Then I realize that for a while I didn't think of Arliss. Perhaps Ianto is right, I think. Perhaps I should just tell him everything. I committed incest with my brother. Perhaps I'll tell him. Perhaps I'll tell them all. Then I might be able to really say goodbye to Arliss and keep my promise to him. I thought I could do it for a while. I did think I could do it. Arliss was the strong one. I let myself by washed hither and thither by the tide. He died for me and I must live for him whether I want to or not. I think of the daisy he gave me when I last saw him. That was a dream but the daisy was real. Then it was gone to dust like Arliss has gone to dust. I want to love again. I want to love Ianto. I think he loves me. Yes, he does....he does........


	2. Chapter 2

Ianto is in love with me. He hasn't said he is but I can tell. I know I'm not in love with him. I still love Arliss and he's dead. Ianto and I fuck. That's it. That's what we do. Sometimes I fuck him but mostly he fucks me. The sex is good. It's real good and Ianto likes to cuddle afterward too but I still miss my brother like crazy. I miss him. For years I never thought about him at all and now I think about him nearly all the time. I wish I didn't.

It's another Friday and I'm in another bar. There's a blond guy leaning on the bar not far away from me and when I look right at him our eyes meet. He grins and comes over to me. He's tall and slim without being skinny. He has green eyes. He's hot. I wonder what he thinks of me. I don't ever sleep too well and now I hardly sleep at all.

"Haven't seen you here before" he says, and I think to myself, that's a real old chat line, but I smile anyhow.

"Thought I'd try it" I reply "it's O.K. A bit quiet."

"Wait till 2am."

"Busy then is it?"

"That's when the Cranberries come in."

"Never heard of them."

"Oh, just you wait. They're great."

"What are they then?"

"It's a club. They come in every night. You wait. Some of them are gorgeous."

"I was hoping to leave before then."

"You could leave and come back. We could leave and come back if you want. We can go now. My place is just round the corner. We can be there in a few minutes."

"Fine" I answer. I wonder what's going to happen next. He seems safe enough, but you can never tell.

So that's it then. No problem. We leave and less than ten minutes later we're naked and on his bed and he's fucking me. He tells me he's known as Speedy. I'm not a bit surprised. He walks fast, he talks fast and he certainly strips fast. I've never known anyone get naked so quickly. He has an average sized cock and he moves in and out of me at a rapid pace and in total silence. It's weird. He doesn't even pant. He grabs my cock and jerks on it in time with his own movements and I come after only a few strokes because it's all so strange and so fast. I feel myself squeezing him but he doesn't come and goes on pistoning in and out of me like a machine. Then suddenly he starts to loose his rhythm and actually gasps a little. He shudders and pulls out of me. I look back at him and see him pulling off the condom. He kneels up and two strokes of his cock and he comes. He holds it so it spurts all over my back and butt. I'm on my hands and knees on the bed and I turn onto my back and lie down and make sure I smear come all over the bedding. He doesn't object at all. In fact, he lies down next to me and puts his arms around me.

"Great" he says, kissing my nose of all things. We haven't kissed at all up till now and suddenly he's kissing my nose. I realize he is a nut. Safe, but a nut all the same.

"Yeah" I say. I don't know what to say really. It's all so odd. We lie there for a while getting sticky and then the come dries into a crust on us and we finally get up and go to the bathroom. He hasn't a shower. He has a bathtub. It's huge. We get in it together and wash each other. He talks almost non stop about all sorts of things and I find I'm not listening. I just nod now and again and he seems satisfied. Afterward he makes coffee. It's good coffee too, which is amazing.

Later we return to the bar and five minutes after we arrive there is a commotion and in come around fifteen tall women. These are The Cranberries evidently. They go straight onto the floor and dance and they're mostly real good. I watch them for a while and then the music and the thumping rhythm gets to me and I abandon my companion and venture onto the floor myself. I notice a gorgeous red head nearby and she notices me too and winks at me. She's taller than I am by about 2 inches but she's wearing heels. She makes her way over to me through the crowd and when the music slows we drift into each others arms. Of course I realized right away that the Cranberries are male. This one is great looking though. When the music speeds up again we go to a vacant table in the corner and sit down.

"Cherry" she says.

"Jack" I reply.

"You're pretty" she comments as she looks me up and down "I bet we look fantastic together. The best looking couple in the building."

I laugh. I can't help it. "Do you want a drink?" I ask her.

"Just a nice sweet white wine" she says.

I fight my way to the bar and finally get her a drink and beer for myself. I find I'm wondering if she'll be there when I get back to the table, but there she is, waiting for me. She sips the wine daintily.

"What do you do?" I ask her "I mean for a living."

"I drive a truck" she says to my amazement "I suppose you're wondering how a little thing like me can drive a great big heavy truck but you'd be surprised. I'm very strong. What do you do?"

"I'm in security" I tell her.

"Does that mean you have a gun and hit people?" she asks.

"Sometimes" I say.

"Oh good. I shall be so safe with you then. I knew you were the right one when I first spotted you. I am a lucky girl."

The conversation continues in this vein until Cherry suddenly stands up and gives a huge yawn. "I really need to go home to my bed now" she says "I hope you're going to take me home."

"Yes, naturally" I say and I rise to my feet as well.

She lives a fifteen minute walk away. We walk slowly and talk. She's less camp out in the street and I find she's easy to talk to. I start to talk about Arliss. Then I REALLY start to talk about him.

"I loved him" I say after a while "like a lover, not like a brother, and he loved me too. I felt guilty about it though. I couldn't stop feeling guilty about how I loved him. Now he's gone and I'm finding it hard to carry on. It's so hard."

"Love is a very precious thing" she says "some people go through their whole lives and never find it. I've known people who've never loved or been loved. You shouldn't feel guilty. You should remember him and think with joy of every moment you spent together."

I think about that for a while as we walk along. I know she's right. Sometimes you can talk to a stranger in a way you could never talk to your friends. She's so normal to talk to out here away from the crowds. I mean that she's just like anyone else you could meet any time on any street corner. Except for the clothing of course. I try to imagine her dressed as a man and driving a truck. I can't do it. She's so feminine. We reach her apartment block and to my surprise she doesn't ask me in, or assume that I'm going to come in.

"Thank you for seeing me home" she says seriously, and she leans forward and kisses me on the cheek.

"That's O.K." I reply.

"It was very gallant of you" she tells me "you probably have no idea at all what it's like for people like me. Most of the gang are actually straight you know. I expect you find that hard to believe, but it's true. I spend days at a time away from home driving and when I'm at home I like to dress up. I'm lucky in that I'm slim and not very muscular. You're a good man, Jack. I can tell that. I hope you find whatever you're looking for. I really do. Don't mourn for your brother for ever and let it ruin your life. It's so easy to do that, I know."

I want her to invite me in. I want to know what's under those clothes. I want to feel her cock and see if I can make her hard. I want to fuck her. Despite my earlier exploits I start to actually get hard at the thought. I wonder what she'd do if I kissed her. A proper kiss, not a peck on the cheek. I move forward and put my arms around her. She leans against me for a moment and then puts her hand inside my coat and touches my hard on briefly. She smiles.

"Not tonight, darling" she says, moving her hand away "it's late and you don't really want me, you just want to fuck someone. You think it helps you to forget but you're wrong there. It just makes you remember more. Go home and sleep and when you wake tomorrow, think of me and then get on with living."

I walk back to the Hub alone and when I get there I do go to bed and I do sleep and I don't dream of Arliss. I dream of Ianto.


	3. Chapter 3

When I awake the following morning I notice right away that it is almost 11 am. I haven't slept so long for years. I hurry and make myself presentable and find that my Team are all at work. Owen is even at work in the Medical Lab analyzing something or other, to my surprise. I sit down at my desk and Ianto brings me a coffee. He looks great in a pale blue suit that I haven't seen before.

"Are you alright, Jack?" he asks me, as he hands me the coffee "I thought you were never going to get up."

"I was in very late" I tell him.

"You didn't get into another fight did you?" he asks. I'm shocked now. He isn't supposed to know that side of my nocturnal activities..

"No" I tell him "I just took someone home and we talked, that's all."

"Are you telling me the truth?" He looks worried.

"Yes. I met someone and we just talked."

He sits down on the edge of my desk and looks at me as I sip at the hot coffee. "I worry about you" he says "I know you can't actually die but you can still fuck up your life quite easily, and other peoples as well. You aren't alone you know. I'm in this with you."

"I miss Ar---my brother" I say, feeling my eyes prickling as I try not to shed unwanted tears.

"I know how you feel" he sighs "I still miss Lisa. I used to think of her constantly but it does get better with time. You have to go on, not just for yourself but for them too. Because you know they wouldn't want you to mourn for ever. You know they'd want you to have a life because you'd want the same if it was the other way around."

"It's easy to say that" I moan "and I know it's true, but It's doing it that's the problem."

"It takes time" he says, and I have the sudden and the definitely weird feeling that he's older than I am. I don't know how old I am because I've been alive for a very long time without changing physically at all. In any case in my time the average age of death for human males was around 120. Anyone under 60 was considered to be quite young still.

It's a quiet day in The Hub and by 6pm everyone except Ianto has gone home. Ianto comes and stands in front of my desk, where I have been fiddling aimlessly with paperwork all day, and says in a firm voice "that's it, Jack. You're coming to spend the night with me. I insist. Get up and come with me NOW." He is so insistent that I obey, leave the paperwork, put on my coat and follow him like a lamb.

By 7pm we are sitting side by side on Ianto's sofa eating pizza. We've both taken our shoes off and are resting our feet on the coffee table while we eat. I look at our feet as I chew. Ianto is wearing blue socks that match his suit. I'm wearing white socks and the left one has a small hole in the big toe and the right one has a stain on it. I put them clean on this morning too and I don't have sweaty feet. I don't know what the stain is. I keep looking at the stain and I'm thinking that my socks are like me. I'm permanently stained now. Stained for ever by Arliss. I'll never be free of him and he'll haunt me till the day I finally manage to die. I put down the remains of the piece of pizza I'm eating and start to sob. I can never stop once I start. It's terrible and embarrassing.

Ianto puts down his own pizza and wraps his arms about me. I lean against him and make his shirt crumpled and damp. My nose runs on his shoulder and my tears wet his neck. I can never stop crying for Arliss. I feel as if my whole body is full of water and it's all just waiting to spurt out of my eyes and nose. Ianto doesn't say anything and I'm crying too hard to speak. Then I become aware that he is crying too. Not as hard or as noisily as I am but he's crying all the same. I'm so surprised that I manage to stop crying myself. I hold him tighter and rub his back and kiss his face and his cheeks.

"Please don't cry" I murmur at last "I'm sorry about Lisa. You know how sorry I've always been."

He leans away from me. He looks surprised. "I'm not crying for Lisa" he says "I'm crying for you."

Ianto never ceases to surprise me. I've been using him and taking him for granted, and not caring how he feels about anything because I'm so wrapt up in HOW I FEEL and then he comes up with a statement like that. He is amazing and for the first time I begin to see just amazing he really is. I look at him and he looks back at me and I feel as if I'm REALLY looking at him for the first time. I think of him bringing me coffee and letting me fuck him and fucking me when I want it and kissing me when I shout out ARLISS even though he thinks my brother was called Connor and I've never told him he wasn't and I think of the feeling of his hands touching me and stroking and squeezing and rubbing and the feel of his cock inside me and pulling out of him and coming all over his face and chest and watching his eyes screw up just before he comes and the sound of his voice in the morning when he arrives at work and the feeling of his love washing over me and washing over me and him always being there for me and letting me treat him like shit and going on caring anyhow.

"Why?" I ask, stupidly, as I wipe my face on a Kleenex and blow my nose on several others.

Then he says it. He says what I've sensed for ages. He says it. "Because I love you" he says "I loved you even before I lost Lisa although I loved her madly. I've loved you for a long time. I know you don't love me but I can live with that. It's enough for me to have you here. It's enough."

"Ianto" I say "you deserve so much more."

"I don't want more. I just want you."

"I want to love you too" I tell him and I realize as I say it that it's true. I'm so tired of being miserable. I want the life I promised Arliss I'd make for myself and I want it with Ianto more than anyone else I've ever met. I want to love him. I want to.

"That's a start" he says.

"Is it?"

"Yes, of course it is. Now let's go to bed."

I stand up and look at the plates and cups we've left lying around. Ianto waves a hand at them. "Leave them" he says "we can tidy up tomorrow." I've never known Ianto leave any clearing up till tomorrow before. I think, he's doing this for you and I feel a wave of something undefinable pass over me. I watch his butt as he goes ahead of me to his bedroom and I think tonite I'm going to fuck you and then I think no tonite I'm going to make love to you I'm going to make love to you for the first time ever. I'm going to make love. I'm going to make love to Ianto. Fucking is for strangers. Love is for Ianto. Tonight anyhow,


	4. Chapter 4

When I awake the next morning Ianto and I are literally wrapped around each other. We are so close that it's hard to tell where I end and he starts. He is hard too, so I know he is about to awake as well. Last night I spent a long time making sure he was ready for me and I got very excited and so did he. When I finally entered him it felt so good. It almost made me feel guilty it was so good. Suddenly, as if sensing I am looking at him, he stirs. Our eyes meet.

"Good morning" he says, very politely.

"Hi" I respond.

"Are you alright?" He is thinking of me and not himself as usual.

"Fine" I say "I'm great."

"Last night" he says, slowly "we were together for the first time in ages."

"We're always together" I say stupidly.

He separates himself from me with difficulty and sits up. "I mean, I felt you were with ME and not with your brother. His name wasn't Connor was it? You often yell out Arliss. That was his name wasn't it?"

I sit up as well. I always underestimate Ianto. He is the most intelligent person I know. "Yes" tell him "and my name was Arlen. Arliss and Arlen. We were inseparable. I left home to escape him. He was a really strong personality and I always ended up doing what he wanted even if I thought it was wrong. I loved him and I couldn't say no to him. We met again after a long time and we had sex. I didn't recognize him until it was too late and even then I couldn't say no."

"Did you think having sex with him was wrong?"

"Yes. I did. But I did it all the same. That's how it always was with me and Arliss."

"So it was all his fault?"

"I should have been stronger. I would have been with anyone else! I loved him though. I always did."

"The wrong kind of love."

"Yes. The wrong kind. I knew it though and he didn't."

"Jack" his voice is soft and he leans over and kisses me. I kiss him back. I don't want to think about Arliss ever again. He's gone. I'll never see him again and Ianto is here with me, warm and alive and loving. He deepens the kiss and I feel his tongue exploring the inside of my mouth. I get hard. We slide down into the bed and he rolls over on top of me and I feel his cock pressing insistently into my thigh. He moves down to my nipples and sucks them one after the other into hard nubs. He puts his tongue in my navel and then moves farther down and I feel his tongue licking up the length of my cock and then his mouth closes over the top and he begins to suck. I'm squirming and groaning and trying not to thrust. I feel myself loosing control and I can't help it. I feel the slow pumping inside start and I'm twisting and moving about and then I come with force and I can feel Ianto sucking it in and hear him swallowing and feel him licking and sucking and draining me dry. He moves up beside me in the bed and I feel he's still hard. "Your turn" I say.

But he sits up and then gets out of the bed. "That was for last night" he says. He goes for his shower and I lie and listen to the water running and think of last night. We went to bed and we lay for a while just kissing and cuddling before I started to pay serious attention to giving Ianto pleasure. I kissed him from head to foot and sucked his cock until he begged me to stop before he came and then I gave him a thorough rimming. He has a great butt. It's fantastic in fact. Then I used plenty of lube and spent a while getting him good and open and shouting in excitement. Finally, using heaps of lube and wearing a condom, which he said I didn't need, I entered him slowly. It felt so good I couldn't move right away in case I came. I hit his sweet spot almost immediately and neither of us lasted long but it was great. Later I made love to him again and it was better because the edge was off for both of us. He comes back from the bathroom and I get up reluctantly. The bed is warm and comfortable and I don't want to leave it.

We eat pancakes for breakfast and Ianto has bought some maple syrup. He must, I realize have bought it for me, because he just puts sugar on his pancakes. I look at him opposite me as he eats and I feel a sudden very odd feeling. It can't, I think, be love, because it's not like the feelings I've had before that I thought were love. It's a belonging feeling. It's like I belong here at Ianto's table and in Ianto's bed in a way I've never belonged anywhere before. Or at least not for a very long time. I watch the way he holds his knife and his fork and the way his mouth moves and the way his face changes as he speaks. His body has become very familiar to me and yet I feel as if I've never looked at him properly before. I can't imagine my life without him now. Is this love, I think. If it is, then I've never been in love before. I've just thought I was. No I tell myself I was in love before and this isn't love it's something but it isn't love I don't know what it is but it's good and it makes me feel better about a lot of things and it's very strong so it maybe will turn into what I know is love and I want to love Ianto I want to be in love with Ianto because I suddenly think I do love Ianto but I'm not in love with him and that's what the difference is but for the first time I feel at peace and I know love isn't far away from me.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks me, interrupting my stream of thoughts.

"Love" I tell him quite truthfully.

"It doesn't matter" he says "I love you enough for both of us. I'm happy we're together. As long as we're together it's enough for me. I can live with it."

I can't explain the thoughts whirling around in my head. I wish that I could. I can think them but expressing them aloud is practically impossible. I want Ianto to have more than he has though. I want him to be happy. I smile at him and start to clean up. He is always cleaning up after me.

"We ought to go to work" he says, getting to his feet and starting to help me clean up.

"I think I'm falling in love with you" I tell him.

"You don't need to say that" he replies, looking very serious "I told you. As long as we're together."

"I'm telling the truth" I say "I can't imagine life without you."

He comes to me then and puts his arms around me. We stand there in his kitchen embracing in silence. I can feel his heart beating very fast and my own speeds up too. It's not a sexual feeling I have at all now. It's just peace, perfect peace. I'm at home. Finally.


	5. Chapter 5

I sit beside Ianto's bed and hold his hand. I feel as if I've been sitting here for a century but it's only three days. Only three days since IT happened. Ianto went out to get some fish and chips. I was being lazy. I could have gone with him. I could have gotten the damn fish and chips myself. I just lay in bed and let him go and he didn't come back. He was mugged and left for dead practically on his own doorstep while I lay in his bed doing nothing. I have tried to give him my life force but it hasn't worked and now he lies here connected to machinery in a coma.

If anything happens to him I will never forgive myself. I was lying in bed while he was being almost killed and now I can't even save him. I feel so terrible there are no words to describe how awful and desperate I feel. I want to die and I can't. I feel as if my whole life has just turned into one long punishment without end. Ianto. My lovely Ianto. I've never appreciated him properly and now he might never know how much I have come to love and admire him. I didn't even realize I was in love with him until I saw him lying here unconscious. Then I felt an explosion of feeling burst in my heart and spread through my entire body and I felt a wild elation and joy until I looked at him and knew he was going and I had never told him how I felt because I didn't know it and now I do and like everything in my life it's too late. Too late.

Gwen has been here already this morning and Tosh. Gwen sits beside his bed and tells him what she and Rhys did the previous evening. It's usually so boring it makes me feel like screaming and banging my head on the wall. Tosh comes in and holds his hand and tries not to cry and says nothing. Owen comes in too and sits and sobs. It's amazing the way Owen has fallen apart. He acts now as if Ianto had been his greatest friend. I talk to Ianto all the time. I've told him most of my life story. He's in a coma so it wont matter. I looked at him this morning and I suddenly knew he was going to die. I wouldn't be surprised if it happened today. I have a feeling. He's leaving me. Like everyone leaves me.

I decide that I'm going to tell him I love him. I'll throw myself on his unconscious mercy. He and I are alone. I kiss his limp hand and hold it tightly. He wont feel it no matter how hard I grip it. I lean over and kiss his mouth and his cheeks and his forehead. Then I start. "Ianto" I say "I want to have a really serious talk with you. I have to tell you something. I--" I stop then, because I feel a change has happened. Then all the machinery attached to him starts clanging and ringing and buzzing and the room fills with people and I'm turned away and I stand outside and they work on him and time passes and I sit on the floor outside his room and I wont move and they work on him and it's no good and he's gone and Owen and Gwen and Tosh come and I wont move and a Doctor comes and talks to me and he sits on the floor beside me and I wont move and he gives me a needle and I drift away to peace and safety and comfort.

I open my eyes and I'm lying on a bed. I sit up and look around and realize I'm still in the Hospital. Owen is in a chair beside the bed and he's asleep. I get up as quietly as I can and venture out into the corridor. I have to find where they have put Ianto. I know he'll be in the Morgue. I even know where it is. I start to make my way there but I've only gone a step when Owen appears beside me and grabs my arm.

"Where the fuck d'you think you're going?" he asks me in typical Owen fashion.

"I'm going to the Morgue" I say.

"Why?" he asks.

I feel like I'm in a dream. Owen doesn't even seem upset. "To find Ianto" I explain.

Owen sighs. "He's not in the Morgue" he says "he's fine."

"Fine?" I say. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Owen has gone crazy. He must have gone crazy. I heard the Doctor saying there was nothing more they could do. I heard him.

"He woke up" says Owen "the Doctors had given up on him. They disconnected all the machinery and then he woke up. He sat up and asked for you but you were in such a state you had to be sedated. Ianto's fine. I don't know what you did but it worked spectacularly" he pauses, and to my amazement he leans towards me and kisses me very quickly on the mouth. "I know we have our differences" he continues "and I'm not very good at saying how I feel, but I do admire you tremendously. I really do. Make the most of this confession because you'll probably never hear me say anything like this ever again."

I feel weird and before I can say anything or do anything else my knees give way and I sag against the wall. Owen holds me up and practically drags me to a nearby chair. He pushes me onto it and makes me sit with my head down between my knees. After a few moments I feel better. I sit up. "Is he still in the same room?" I ask Owen.

"He's being discharged" Owen replies "he'll probably be along in a moment. He's with Gwen and Tosh."

I still can't believe that Ianto isn't dead. Dead like Arliss and like everyone else I've loved. They all die. I'm always left alone. Then Owen taps me on the arm and I look along the corridor and there he is. Ianto. My Ianto. Coming toward me. Looking at me. Alive. Glowing. Alive. I stand up and he reaches me and then we're face to face. We look at each other. He smiles and then we're in each others arms. I feel the warmth of his body and I believe. I believe a miracle has happened. Seeing is believing. Ianto is alive.

Much much later we're alone at last. We lie in Ianto's bed and he kisses me and I kiss him and our bodies press together and the heat of him comes to me and I love him madly. I feel the vibrations in his skin and an intensity of feeling travels between us. The outside world ceases to exist and we are alone. He kisses me again and then pushes all the bedding off the bed and onto the floor. He moves down over me and licks my cock and then my balls. I go to roll over but he grabs a pillow and says "lift up" and puts the pillow under me. I lift my legs and he leans down and his face presses into me and he spits and licks and puts his tongue inside me and I groan and clutch the sheet under me. He liberally spreads lube around and then I feel his fingers and then his thumb inside me and I try to relax and my cock throbs. When he enters me I hold my breath and I have to grab my cock in case I come. He moves and I move with him and it's exquisite. I look at him as he moves in and out and I say aloud what I've never said to him before "I love you. I'm in love with you. I'm crazy about you. It's more than I've ever felt for anyone. It's the universe. You're my universe." His eyes fill with tears and then he pulls out of me for a moment and then he thrusts straight back in and he's still for a second and then he's coming and coming. I come with him exactly. I don't even touch myself. I feel it rising inside me and then as he spurts inside me I spurt outside, all over my chest.

We lie together sticky and sated. I feel my come drying to a crust on my skin and his dribbling out of me onto the sheet. I want this time to never end. I want it to last for all eternity. He looks at me and says "you said you loved me, Jack. You don't have to say that."

"I do love you" I tell him "I think I've loved you for a while but I was too stubborn or maybe just too stupid to realize."

"You aren't stupid" he says, smiling.

"I was obsessed with my brother" I mutter "I felt guilty about his death and about the relationship I had with him. I couldn't get it out of my head. Then you were in a coma. When I saw you lying there and thought I'd lost you, it hurt so much. It was unbearable. Overwhelming."

"I've loved you for a long time" he says.

"I'm in love with you" I tell him " and as long as you live I'll never love anyone else."

After we've cleaned up he falls asleep and I lie awake and watch him sleeping. I don't think about the future any more. I don't worry about him dying and me being left alone. We are together. Nothing else is important. I suddenly think of my brother, Arliss, and the last time I saw him and his words to me. ---------------

"I want you to remember me" he said " but I want you to say goodbye. Remember, as long as you live I'll never really be gone because I'll be in your heart. No-one who's been truly loved ever really dies, you know. Because they live on in the hearts and memories of those who loved them. I want you to live and love and have a life. I want you to do it for me. I'll leave you a token before I go, and then we'll say goodbye. But sometimes, in the still of the night, you'll feel that I'm near because I'll never really leave you. Promise me, Arlen, because I can't go until you promise and I want to go now."--------------------

I know it's true and I feel Arliss near. I feel his spirit or whatever it is. I'm going to do it Arliss, I think. I am doing it. I'm going to live and love and have a life. With Ianto. Then I say goodbye. I say goodbye properly to Arliss because I've finally gotten over his death and I'm starting to live. I'm going to live. Not for Arliss at all but for me and for Ianto. Life is for the living. Love is all around us if we open our hearts. Ianto is my hearts desire. My soul mate. My partner. The better part of myself. I fall unexpectedly into sleep murmuring aloud -- - Goodbye Arliss, my brother, goodbye.

 

THE END.


End file.
